Blowing up your marriage became something of a national pastime in the 1970s and was typically done with very little finesse. My own parents’ divorce was like a knife fight in a closet: two angry people blindly lashing out, each hoping to hit something vital. Explosive arguments, tearful meltdowns and vile character attacks all happened within easy earshot of any kid who happened to be standing around.
The scorched earth finale had my father quickly disappearing into another family and another life. Accordingly, whatever financial stability we once had rapidly dissolved. My housewife mother, now working minimum wage jobs, was not above coaching us to shake down our father for missing child support as we boarded the occasional weekend train to New York. For two kids trying to hold onto a relationship with a guy who clearly had us in his rearview mirror, it was a grim assignment.
We were not alone. This was how it went for many families in the 70s and 80s when divorce rates in the U.S skyrocketed. Conscious uncoupling, a modern concept that involves “parting amicably and respectfully while prioritizing the needs of the children,” was definitely not a thing. Couples were neither emotionally nor economically equipped to raise kids cooperatively while living apart. Dads were not the involved, emotionally available fathers of today and moms were not educated career women with earning potential. More often than not, the estranged couple went on raging and the kids stayed stuck in the middle.
Since then, things have improved significantly. Not only are there ample resources available to help with the emotional fallout of divorce, there are better legal options such as mediation and collaboration that have taken some of the bloodshed out of the settlement process. And yet, divorce remains one of the most painful experiences a family will endure. Numerous studies show that the emotional and economic consequences of divorce can and will endure for generations when not handled sensitively.
How can divorcing couples manage their own overwhelming emotions while making decisions that will impact their kids for years to come? The following suggestions may help you play the long game that is divorce:
Find a therapist. Emotions run high during this unique grieving process that does not often include an outpouring of support. Venting and processing your feelings of anger, anxiety and sadness with a professional rather than friends and family will help you move through the emotional challenges of your divorce while minimizing the long-term collateral damage.
Consider a divorce support group. The value of a supportive and encouraging community of people who truly understand what you’re going through cannot be overstated. There are formal and informal groups available in many communities, often free of charge. Divorce can be lonely; find your tribe.
Dig deep. It can be remarkably easy to vilify your former spouse. Take the time to fully understand your own role in the divorce. How have your unhealed wounds from childhood and early adult life experiences contributed to your present circumstances? Make your divorce the catalyst for personal growth.
Forgive. It may take years or even decades but forgiveness is the essential component of divorce recovery. Learn everything you possibly can about what forgiveness means to you. Read, meditate, talk, pray, listen, watch. Don’t let your inability to forgive keep you locked into a victim mentality that no longer serves you.
Keep your mind and your heart open. In the words of Colin Tipping in his book, Radical Forgiveness, “Situations that appear to be the worst that could possibly befall us may hold the key to our healing something deep within us that keeps us from being happy and prevents our growth.” At the end of all of this, if you’ve learned something and maybe even healed something, it will have been worth it.
About the author: Lisa Kreutzberg is a psychotherapist practicing in Rumson, New Jersey. She specializes in life transitions that include divorce recovery and grief. Please visit her at www.beachcounselingandcoaching.com.
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